


The Stark Family

by AnonEhouse



Category: Addams Family (TV 1964), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3759244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the Avengers were the Addams Family? Hmm...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stark Family

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"You haven't taken up smoking, have you, my dear?" Tony said, looking up from Pepper's arm, where he was kissing his way up past her elbow, nudging her flowing black silk dress out of the way. She was using her free hand to arrange the severance notices of Obadiah's cronies from S.I.'s board of directors onto a decoupaged cigar box. There may have been a few funeral notices, too, among the stubborn ones.

Pepper lifted the red fez Tony was wearing, and patted him on his head before replacing the hat. "Not since the last time I was a dragon."

"Good times," Tony said, grinning. "You were so hot. Not that you're not always hot, but that was, you know, the way you cremated Obi... Awesome." Tony reached her shoulder and started on her neck, laying a pattern of smooches.

Pepper smiled absently. "This is Obi." She opened the box to show a pile of ashes. "It seemed appropriate."

"You always know the right thing to do." Tony paused. "I'm running out of neck."

"You could start over?" Pepper said as she painted glue over the box.

"Excellent idea!" Tony fell to his knees on the marble floor with a crack, and began kissing the toes of Pepper's crocodile skin Louboutins.

There was a loud clanking groan, followed by JARVIS (Jaded Ancestral Relic Virtually Intangible Spirit) announcing, "Someone at the front door, sir." Tony leaned his head against Pepper's knee. "Now I've lost my place."

Steve strode past Tony and Pepper, grabbed the massive brass handles of the huge front doors and pulled them open. "YYOOOU RANG?" he asked. Freezing had slowed him down a lot. 

"Ah." A man in a neatly pressed suit stood on the front step, holding a foil-covered dish. He looked up at Steve. "Wow. You're really... big."

"Steve's a family heirloom from my dad," Tony said, bouncing up from the floor to go peer around Steve at the newcomer. "They grew butlers bigger in those days."

"URHHH," Steve said, frowning at Tony. He didn't like jokes or things that seemed like jokes. He never got the punchline until a minute later.

"Yes. I can see that." The man said. He shifted the dish to one hand, and held out his right hand. "My name's Phil Coulson. I'd like to welcome you to the neighborhood. Glad to see someone's moved into this place. It was getting a bit... well... spooky."

"Fury!" Tony yelled.

A black hand reached out of a box set in the wall near the door to shake Phil's hand and then vanished back in the box. He stared at it.

"It's a Thing," Tony said. "Since the Black Plague, I don't shake hands. I'm Tony Stark." He grinned wider. "Sorry about the place. I can promise we'll make it MUCH more spooky! We've just got back from a long holiday in the Old Country."

"You're from Europe?" Phil said gamely, while continuing to stare at the box.

"No, Egypt. Pepper wanted to visit her mummy." Tony leaned forward to whisper. "Her side of the family's dry. Glad to be back home where I can curl up with a good Scotch. Coulson, is that Scottish?"

Phil cleared his throat, "No, I believe it's Irish. From McCool."

"Cool!" Tony was delighted. "And what's in the dish?"

"Fudge brownies. I've included the recipe, in case anyone has a restricted diet."

Pepper came up silently behind Tony and reached past him to take the dish. "How very thoughtful. As long as there are no strawberries or garlic, I'm sure it will be fine. Won't you come in?" She casually elbowed Tony.

"Right! Sorry, sorry," Tony said, "Didn't mean to leave you on the doorstep like a vampire handing out conversion pamphlets. Steve! Steve, go call the kids, and see if anyone else is around. And bring something that goes with brownies. Maybe the Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Pauillac 1982?"

"Coffee," Pepper said firmly. "And tea. And milk for the children."

"ARRRH," Steve said, nodding in agreement. He grabbed Coulson by the lapels, pulled him fully into the house and shut the door, before he turned to plod back down the hallway.

"So," Coulson said gamely, as he followed Pepper and Tony down a massive, oak-lined hallway, "this is a great old house. I didn't think they made them like this anymore."

"Yeah, the Stark Mansion's unique. It's good luck to bury the architect under the foundation, you know?" Tony grinned.

Coulson laughed, slightly nervously. "Oh, I hadn't heard of that."

Pepper put in, "It makes it handy if you need to discuss renovations."

They reached a dining room dominated by a huge, medieval looking table and a crystal chandelier whose bulbs all glowed blue. "I replaced the lighting myself," Tony said, "Candles are all right in the bedroom, but not in the dining room."

Steve wandered past them, and dumped a tray with coffee, a tea pot and a large pitcher of milk onto the table. "URRRR," he said, "Children coming soon." Then he went over to a sideboard and began laboriously assembling plates, cups, saucers and flatware.

Pepper, Tony and Coulson took seats at the table. Tony was barely in his chair before an arrow appeared, spiking the fez and carrying it across the room to impale a disturbing portrait of a man with red eyes. "Hey!" Tony protested. His hair rose up and bristled.

"No hats at the table!" a young man's voice announced. A second later a ruffled blond wearing a very tight Robin Hood outfit leaped into the room.

"That's true, dear," Pepper said. "But bows aren't allowed either, Clint."

"Aww," Clint said, as Steve casually snatched the bow from his hand and left the room. Steve poked his head back in a moment later. "Miss Naaatasssaha. ERRRR." He shook his head and continued walking with heavy, thudding footsteps. Everyone continued looking at the doorway.

"Oh, brownies," a light female voice came from the end of the table. Everyone whipped their heads back around to see a pale-skinned redhead with vividly green eyes seated in front of the box of brownies which had mysteriously found their way there.

Coulson coughed. A little.

"Natasha takes after Pepper's side of the family," Tony said. He leaned close to Coulson. "She's great at needlework."

"I'd heard that was becoming popular once more," Coulson said gamely.

"I like knives better," Natasha remarked. She had cut a slice of brownie and was dissecting it on a plate.

"Arrows are neater," Clint said, reaching his arm down to grab the brownies and move them closer to everyone else. 

"Not as reusable," Natasha responded.

"Children, please! No arguing at the table," Pepper said firmly. "That's what the sparring room is for."

"Yes, Mamma," they responded in unison.

"Isn't anyone else coming?" Tony said. He spiked a large piece of brownie on a fork, and was dunking it in a cup of coffee. Pepper rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. Tony yelled, "BRUCE! Drop what you're doing and come here!"

A panel opened in the wall, and a rumpled man in a white lab coat, which was fuming around the edges, came into the room. "I almost had it, Tony."

"I know, I know, you've been working on the lycanthropy formula for years. A break won't hurt you. Stop and taste the brownies!" Tony said. "This is Uncle Bruce," Tony added. "Bruce, meet our neighbor, Phil Coulson. He bakes, so be nice to him."

"I'm always nice," Bruce muttered. "Except when I'm not." His eyes widened and turned green. Tony threw a fork that stuck Bruce in the side. "Ow," Bruce said, pulling the fork free as his eyes returned to brown. "Sorry. Brownies, you said? Thank you, Mr. Coulson, that's very kind of you."

The curtains at the far end of the dining room shifted. Clint said, "Cousin Thorr, don't be shy. Mr. Coulson is very nice. Come out and say hello."

The curtains parted, and a tall figure covered completely in shaggy blond hair/fur, emerged. It/he said something, but it wasn't in English.

"Ah, hello, Cousin Thorr," Coulson said.

"Cousin Thorr's Allspeak is on the fritz," Tony said around a mouthful of brownie. Pepper gave him a narrow-eyed look. Tony said, "What? It's not my fault! I told him he needed a voltage converter."

Cousin Thorr came to the table and sat down. Clint passed him a plate with a brownie on it. Thorr hummed and somehow brought the brownie up to where a mouth logically would be.

"So," Coulson said, while sipping some really quite excellent coffee. "Is this the whole family?"

"Well, unless you count Kitty..." Tony said, interrupted by a lion's roar. "Yeah, that's all."

They made small talk for a few minutes, and then Steve appeared, and unceremoniously cleared away the plates. Coulson coughed and stood up. "I think I'd best be getting along now. Thank you for the hospitality, it's been... interesting."

The family gathered at the front door to watch him leave.

"He seems nice," Tony said. "But a little... odd."

"He has a great ass, though," Clint remarked. Natasha smacked him upside the head. "Don't spoil this one," she said.

"Yeah, yeah," Clint replied, rubbing his head. "Miss one lousy apple and I never hear the end of it." 

Steve shut the front door and rumbled, "ERRRRNNN" at them all, while shaking his head in disapproval.

"All right, where was I?" Tony said. "Oh, yeah." He dropped to his knees in front of Pepper.

Pepper smiled. "Children, go and tend to your homework. And someone feed Kitty. We don't want to lose another mailman."

There was a chorus of agreement. Everyone knew Mamma was in charge of the family.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this AvengerKink [ Prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/11264.html?thread=26019840#t26019840)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Stark Family](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5598721) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton)




End file.
